Mixed Feelings

Recently I had a falling out with one of my close friends. The whole thing was just so stupid that it frustrates me to no end. In my opinion- I think it was a big lack of communication and a total lack of respect for each other's feelings. We both got our feelings hurt and are too stubborn to work it out. I feel like I tried to express how I was feeling, and instead of talking things out I got blamed for things that were totally unfair and then got totally shut out. I don't know why it hit me so hard, or why I took it so personally. I mean, just a few months before all this happened between her and I, I watched her completely shut out another one of our good friends. I don't know if that is just her way of avoiding or running away from her problems, but it seems wrong to me. Then again, when I'm upset about something I usually react the total opposite of her and face my problems a little too boldly. Not good either. Especially when it can seem like I've got my boxing gloves on and I'm ready to fight. (ask Nick, I know he knows what I can be like) Honestly tho, I hate fighting. I hate confrontation. I hate drama. I hate losing friends over stupid shit. I guess I just feel torn. The good in me keeps saying "just freaking call her already. work it out. it's not worth losing a friendship over." Then, right when I start listening to that side of me the bitch in me thinks "forget her! friends don't treat each other this way. it's not worth the tears." (Imagine me with a little white angel on my right shoulder and the red devil on my left.) That's how it feels! I'm torn between two ways of thinking. I am, by no means, claiming innocents here. I know that some of the things I did or said were mean and wrong, and that sometimes I react to things before I have thought things through. I'm not perfect and I know it. I guess that I'm just upset because of the reaction I got out of her when I finally said "I'm upset!" It definitely wasn't the reaction I was expecting. I don't know. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I expected too much out of our friendship. Maybe our friendship meant more to me than it did her. Maybe I should just have kept my mouth shut. Maybe I should just swallow my pride and work things out with her. Maybe I should just walk away, forget the whole thing. I have way to many "maybes" on my mind. It's driving me crazy-when it shouldn't be. I don't know how to feel about it all. I've got mixed feelings.

We have texted a few times since all this has happened. Mostly we're both just still being stubborn, but at least it's some sort of communication, right? I guess that although it's not the happiest situation, and things don't always work themselves out on their own, I'm still fine. A little sad. Definitely frustrated. But fine. I don't want to act so stubborn, but I'm not able to simply let it all go, either. Maybe it's worth it, or maybe it's not. I guess time- and actions- will tell.