I GIVE UP!!!!

NEVER have I once claimed to be perfect! I mess up all the time, I realize and acknowledge this fact. (maybe more stubbornly at times than others) But I know I'm not a perfect person. OK, so what! Get over it! I'm only human after all. I am getting SO tired of always being the source of Nick's complaints! To him, I am the reason the house isn't clean enough, or why the laundry is always piled up to the ceiling, AND why we can't seem to get our financial problems under control. WTF!? Did I miss something? Am I the only one who lives in this house, or the only one who wears clothes, and sometimes spends money I really shouldn't? I'm constantly reminded of who makes the money in this relationship, and who doesn't! Yes, I know I don't contribute financially the way he does, but does that mean I'm not doing things just as important? Yes, I choose to stay home with my kids. I choose to be a housewife. I choose to put my schooling off until my kids are older. I don't regret those decisions, not even for a second! But should I honestly have to feel less important just cause I don't get paid for the job I do? Maybe Nick doesn't make me feel that way on purpose, but when he's telling other people "If I were the stay-at-home Dad, things would be SO much better"! Now that's just plain HURTFUL!!! Never have I said to him (or anyone else for that matter) that I would be better at his job than he is.

I've honestly come to realize that it doesn't matter what I do, nothing will be good enough. I've tried getting a job (waitressing at Red Lobster, babysitting) but that didn't work out so well. I'm either gone too much or not making enough money to have it work out. And I've also tried working really hard to get the house cleaned up so Nick would be happy when he came home from work, only to have it go unnoticed and for him to stress out about something else like bills instead. I don't know how to make everyone happy at the same time while still trying to keep myself from going crazy from being in the house all day. All I know is that I really can't keep having the same arguments with Nick. It's always over the same damn thing, no matter what I do. SO.... I GIVE UP!!!! To hell with trying to make everyone else happy. It's obviously not working anyway, so why bother. I'm just so frustrated by this all. There's nothing better than being told that I am the cause of every major fuck up in our lives. (note the heavy sarcasm in my pissed off voice) I have a new rule though... since being a stay-at-home mom is my job, at 7:00 pm every night I'm clocking out! Make your own damn dinner! I'm off the clock!

Clinicals

I've been going to school since October to be a certified nurses assistant (CNA). I'm all done with the book work part, and now I'm working on finishing my clinical hours. I have to complete at least 24 hours, which I am doing in three 8-hour days. I had my first day last Saturday. I didn't really have any expectations going into it, I just really (secretly) didn't want to be put in the Dementia hall. I don't have anything personal against the people there, I just thought it would be too sad for my first day. I got there right at 6:00 am, and Cheryl (the lady in charge of us students) gave me the tour. It is a pretty big place, so I instantly felt nervous. After the tour she assigned me to another CNA who worked there (who just so happened to be working the Dementia hall that day, go figure!) and I pretty much just followed her around all day like a little puppy dog and helped when she needed me to. It really wasn't hard, just SAD! Those sweet people don't even know what is going on! The whole time they just sit, or lay there either smiling or sleeping and totally oblivious. We tried talking to them, but they were just too confused to answer back most of the time. During breakfast and lunch we had to help a few of them eat. Their minds just were so far gone that they had forgotten how to do something as simple as work a fork. It was such an interesting (although sad) day, and I really learned a lot. I have to go back tomorrow again, and I wonder where they will put me this time. I'm hoping for something different, (like the rehab hall) only because I really want to see how other areas are. I plan to get a job when I get my certification and I'd like to know the areas I'd like to stay away from, and the ones I think I could handle. If I'm being completely honest... I really don't want to be a CNA for very long. I want to be an RN and work in OB/GYN or Plastic and Reconstructive surgery. But, that will take a while since it's a lot more school. At least this CNA stuff will give me the kick in my pants that I need to keep with it!

Well, I've got to get up (as Heather says) at the "Inner Anus of Dawn" so I better get to bed! HAHAHA! Heather, you make me laugh.

Night!

2008!

The New Year is finally here, and I just want to know one thing.... what the hell happened to 2007? I can't believe how fast it flew by! Why is it that the years just seem to blur into one another the older you get? I seem to remember a time when the years felt like they took FOREVER to pass by. Now I feel like I better not blink to many times cause they keep passing me by too quickly!

Despite being too short, 2007 was a good year. I've never really made any big New Year's resolutions, but I do usually make a little "want" list to myself that I try to keep, like-- I want to try harder to be patient with my kids-- I want to give Nick lots more love and attention--I want to try to eat better this year-- I want to finish school and get a job-- I want to keep my awesome friends-- I want to fix up our house more-- you get the idea. I think it's good to have goals, but I have learned that if I fret over every thing that doesn't get accomplished then I get too stressed out and that's not good for anyone! "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". So, as long as I try, but don't stress out, then it should be another great year! I'm looking forward to it!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!